In our busy lives, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the demands placed upon us, often leaving little room for our own well-being. This is something that is especially true for women, who frequently wear multiple hats and juggle numerous roles. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining balance and preventing burnout. By setting clear limits on what we will and will not accept, we can regain control over our lives, reduce stress, and enhance our overall happiness.
In this blog, guest writer and Mindfulness, Yoga and Stress Management Consultant, Bev Alderson, delves into the importance of boundaries and offers practical tips for creating and maintaining them in various aspects of your life.
It is difficult to be happy and healthy in life when we take on too much. When we allow people and situations to burden us with things that we don’t have the time, energy, or the inclination to do.
Yet an inability to set healthy boundaries can see many of us doing exactly that – resulting in stress, frustration, resentment, exhaustion, and even burnout.
The truth is that consistently putting the needs of others, before your own, will have you in chains.
Establishing healthy boundaries can unshackle you. It can provide you with more control over how you spend your days, and in turn a platform for enhancing your wellbeing and enjoyment of life.
Getting support
Before we dive in, a word to the wise.
This is a generic and somewhat lighthearted blog, aimed at informing and inspiring those wanting to enhance their day to day lives.
It is not aimed at those who are deeply struggling or have mental health challenges.
If this is you, I recommend seeking the support of a medical professional or therapist.
What is a boundary?
As always, there is a plethora of definitions out there. One that I feel is pertinent is from Nancy Levin, founder of Levin Life and author of books including ‘setting boundaries will set you free’ and ‘permission to put yourself first’:
“Your boundaries are the limits you set around what you will or will not do, will or will not tolerate, and will or will not accept”.
In teaching stress resilience workshops in the workplace, it is not uncommon for excessive workload to be raised as a stressor, and one that often results in working long hours and through breaks.
And you probably don’t need to be in paid employment to relate to this. Running a home, running around after the children and/or grandchildren, caring for ageing parents, charity work, social activities, chores, and life admin … to name a few.
Regardless of what is filling our days and our head, it can all too often stack up and see the demand on us exceed our ability to sensibly manage it.
Whilst there is much that can be done to enhance our effectiveness, in managing what we have on our plates and to bring our stress levels down a notch or two, consistently taking on too much is going to take its toll.
According to Lysa Terkeurst, author of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, “the absence of boundaries means the presence of chaos.”
Whilst this might sound a bit dramatic, how often do you find yourself run ragged and worn out by life’s demands, with no time to fulfil your own needs and desires?
Boundaries provide greater structure against the chaotic backdrop of modern day living. A mechanism for promoting healthier relationships, enhanced physical and mental health, and more choice over how we utilise our precious time.
What’s on your plate?
A powerful exercise I sometimes get people to do, is to create a list all the things they’ve got going on.
Then next to each item, write down whether it is for them or for someone else.
I also recommend paying attention to how each item makes them feel, rating items between 1 and 10 – where 1 is extremely negative and 10 is highly positive.
I would highly recommend you give this exercise a go. Particularly if you regularly feel overburdened and that there are not enough hours in the day. Or if you often find yourself ruminating over a situation or person.
This exercise not only provides a cold hard look at how much you actually have on your plate, but who you are doing it for.
It may also give you a first indicator as to where you set boundaries naturally and what, or whom, is your achilles heel.
It’s all about them
Cast your mind to a time, past or present, when there has been plenty enough going on. When you just about had all your ducks in a row as to how you were going to get it all done.
Then, lo and behold, someone came out of the woodwork and asked you to do one more thing.
You wanted to say no, but you found yourself saying yes!
Whilst you probably wished they had just walked on by and picked someone else, they asked you and you made a choice. There may have been a compelling reason why you said yes, but ultimately the decision was yours.
And who was left trying to figure out how on earth to fit one more thing in and cursing the day they were born?
Perhaps your list, if you chose to write one, has highlighted that you have people in your life who regularly do this to you?
But here’s the thing. As much as we may demonize some of the characters who darken our days, they probably have no idea of the impact they have had, or are having, on us.
Picture the situation in reverse. You ask someone to do something and they say yes. “Great” you think, “that’s one off the list!”
When you pick up that phone and they give you an hour of your time, whilst you download all the trials and tribulations that are playing out in your life. “Wow I feel so much better for that!”
Or someone is whizzing around getting everything done without you even having to ask. “Fantastic!”
And the next time you need something doing, or a listening ear, you know exactly who to go to right?
Imagine finding out that you were the cause of someone’s frustration, worry, and stress. That you had put them massively behind the eight ball and they were having to burn the candle at all ends to catch up. That they were upset and that their wellbeing was compromised as a result of your request or fulfilling your needs?
Unless you, or they, are a tyrant – this would make you feel pretty awful right?
In the most simple terms, if you don’t set and communicate your boundaries, you are setting others, and yourself, up to fail.
They may get it right some of the time, but no one can read your mind. Ultimately, only you know what is on your plate and how you are feeling – no matter how much you drop hints and clues!
It’s all about you
We all have commitments and responsibilities that we have to get done. Or that, if we were to attempt to dodge, may come with some pretty undesirable consequences or at the very least be unwise.
There are also times when we get consumed by a challenging period – where someone or something needs our dedicated time and support.
For the remaining items on your list, the ball is essentially in your court and you, and you alone, set the rules of the game and determine the boundary lines.
Whilst this may seem a somewhat facetious statement – if you are not setting your life agenda then who is?
It can be a hard pill to swallow, but the only person responsible for what you will or will not do, will or will not tolerate, and will or will not accept, is you.
Why boundary setting is hard
First up, I don’t recall it being on the school curriculum, do you?
Perhaps you are like me and boundaries are not one of your natural talents. As a former a-type maladaptive perfectionist, with form in over doing things, let’s just say you can rely on me to get the job done – regardless of the personal consequences. Ask me to jump and my default response is “how high?”!
When I went through my own experience of stress and burnout, I was asked how much I had on my plate both personally and professionally. Suffice to say the list was endless and I had to confront the realisation that I was indeed the hard task master in my own life.
Saying no can be really hard and coloured by who we are, our upbringing, experiences, and beliefs.
We may also, consciously or unconsciously, find ourselves anticipating a familiar or feared negative response.
I came across a thought provoking article, by a psychologist Deborah Byrne,’why we struggle to say no’. As the name of the article suggests, it provides some of the reasons we may struggle to say that oh so loaded little word, as listed below. It also provides insights into the potential underlying reasons – which may give food for thought for some.
- Fear of conflict
- Fear of disappointing others
- A need to fit in and be liked by peers
- Feel others are more important than we are
- Thinking it’s our job to make others happy
- We are unable to express our thoughts and feelings appropriately
It is worth considering that we not only set our boundaries through the filter of how we perceive the world, but this is how others receive them.
So even if you think you can gauge how someone will react to your yes or your no, you are doing so through your own view of the world and not theirs.
The benefits of setting boundaries
As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, establishing healthy boundaries can unshackle you from a life that puts you consistently at the bottom of the pile.
No one likes to let people down, or to look bad in front of others, but what about you?
Boundaries enable you to balance your needs and desires, alongside those of others, and have the necessary space to look after yourself along the way.
This is not selfish, quite the opposite actually. As the airline safety statement goes, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
However, for those who need a little more convincing, here are 10 compelling reasons taken from the article by betterhelp, ‘The importance of setting boundaries for your health and safety’:
- Protecting emotional space
- Protecting physical space
- Separating your thoughts, feelings, and needs, from those of others
- Not feeling responsible for the happiness of others
- Enriching your relationships
- Protecting your valuable time
- Having a strong sense of identity
- Making your needs as important as others
- Preventing future conflicts
- Developing independence
Again, this article provides a little further context on each item, for those who would like to do a deeper dive on their personal drivers.
Setting boundaries
Whilst the reasons we struggle to set boundaries may be deep rooted, we have seen that they are within our control and come with many benefits, to ourselves and others.
So, assuming you are ready to take back the reins, let’s take a look at how we go about putting healthy boundaries in place.
Identify your boundary
One of the best ways, to identify where boundaries may be required, is by tuning in to your emotions.
By observing the activities and people in your daily life, that trigger a negative emotional response.
You can approach this in many different ways, including:
Reviewing your list of things to do
Contemplating the situations and/or people that are consuming your time and energy
By noticing when you find yourself triggered by a person or situation in your day-to-day life
Pay attention to what makes you feel stressed, anxious, frustrated, resentful, undervalued, or physically and/or emotionally drained. This is likely to be your clue that you need to establish, one or several, healthy boundaries.
Alternatively, you can approach this by exploring the different kinds of boundaries. In the article ‘15 Types of Healthy Boundaries And How To Communicate Them’, by the Centre for Mindfulness, you will find further details and context around the following boundary types:
- Physical Boundaries
- Emotional Boundaries
- Intellectual Boundaries
- Time Boundaries
- Sexual Boundaries
- Material Boundaries
- Digital Boundaries
- Relationship Boundaries
- Spiritual Boundaries
- Work Boundaries
- Financial Boundaries
- Social Boundaries
- Health and Wellness Boundaries
- Personal Boundaries
- Energy Boundaries
If one or more of these calls your attention, or sets off emotional alarm bells, then again this may highlight a need to establish boundaries.
Create your boundary
Even if you identify a number of people and situations, that are sucking the joy out of life, I recommend you start small and tackle these one by one.
This will help you to build your confidence and capability, slowly but surely, in the art of boundary setting.
In terms of defining a boundary, make sure it starts with the word ‘I’ and not ‘you’!
The goal is not to tell someone what to do or to ask them to change, but to clearly articulate what you will or will not do, will or will not tolerate, and will or will not accept.
To get you started, there are some boundary examples in the article by Mom Therapy Chicago, ‘50 Therapist Approved Boundary Phases’. Whilst the article was written for mums, the examples provided are applicable to multiple people and situations.
I love at the end of the article, the author writes “The thing about boundaries is: they’re not walls keeping people out. They’re more like your home’s front door. You get to decide when it’s open, when it’s closed, and who gets to come in. That’s not mean – that’s healthy!”
Communicate your boundary
Not communicating your boundaries is essentially living in a vain hope that someone will just read your mind. That they will know how you are feeling, what you want, and when you have done enough, or had enough.
Only you know your thoughts, needs, and desires, and the only way to get someone to understand this is to communicate it to them.
Not in a straw that broke the camel’s back kind of way, i.e. when someone or something has pushed you too far!
The idea is that you prepare what you’re going to say, if you need to, and then you, clearly and compassionately, communicate the boundary you are establishing.
Whilst stating your needs and desires is not the easiest thing to do, it is an essential step that will ensure you are on the same page.
A little mantra I find helpful in soothing any nerves is, “In healthy relationships and environments there are healthy boundaries.”
However, it is important to note that you are asking for your boundary to be heard and respected, and not necessarily liked. Whether you are pleasantly surprised or mortified by their reaction, you are not responsible for it. That is on them, not you.
Equally, you might not like it either – well at least to begin with. As much as I would love to tell you that you will not feel bad or guilty, the reality is that there will be times when you will.
Setting boundaries can conjure up a whole host of challenging emotions but, the more you practice working with them the more you will recognise that they have very little to do with others, and everything to do with you.
Reinforce your boundary
No matter how concisely you set your boundary, there are going to be times when it will be challenged or disrespected.
Here you will need to calmly reinstate your boundary, as many times as is needed, to get the penny to drop.
It is okay for people to ask and it is okay for you to politely re-enforce the rules of your game.
Also be aware that the challenger could be you!
Of course you are welcome to bend your own rules. Not all boundaries are non-negotiables and nor do they require the door to be closed and the curtains drawn.
However, if you are going to cross your own boundary line, make sure you are choosing to do it consciously. Not when you don’t have the time, energy, or inclination, and not because you are feeling bad, or guilty.
Have your excuses
When I used to work in IT executive management, we set some boundaries as a team.
This was at a time when 24 x 7 critical incident was part of our remit. As you would imagine, it was easy for the lines between work and life to easily become blurred. Fine, if there was a major technology incident at play, but not out of habit or a lack of boundaries.
One of the team boundaries was that, major incidents aside, we would aim to finish work on time – to pursue our own interests and lives.
However, there were times when this didn’t feel a compelling enough reason to leave work behind.
When we really don’t feel we can say no to something, and yes to ourselves, having a few practised phrases up our sleeves can be incredibly helpful:
- “Sorry I can’t stay behind tonight – I have an appointment I can’t be late for”
- “I would love to help but I really can’t take on another thing right now”
- “Sounds fun, let me check tonight and I’ll come back to you”
- “Normally I would be happy to chat but I have to get this finished”
- Alternatively, you can use no as a negotiation.
- “I can’t help with that now, but I do have some free time later this week”
- “I don’t think I am the right person to support you with that, how about contacting xx”
- “I would be happy to help with xx but it means I will have to say no to xx”.
You get the idea, right!
The boundaries we set with ourselves
Throughout this blog, I have been emphasising that boundaries are for ourselves – regardless of whether we are setting them to better manage a person or a situation.
However, you can also use them to better manage yourself too!
For example, if you know you are a shocker for wittering away your days on things like domestic chores, watching tv, or scrolling through social media, – you can use boundaries to put you back in the driving seat.
Or, to turn that around, you might like to set boundaries around where you will spend your new found time. On those aspects of wellbeing and/or interests that fill up your cup. That put you back at the top of your own list.
However you decide to set boundaries with yourself, the same principles apply. The goal is always to determine limits around what you are willing and able to do, and what is acceptable and not acceptable to you.
Summary
Often with the best intentions we give our time, energy, and ourselves away to the highest bidder.
Healthy boundaries provide more conscious choice and control, over how we spend our days, and better balance our own needs and desires, alongside those of other people and situations.
When we put ourselves high up on our own list, we are able to show up as our best self, do our best work, and live our best lives, – everyone and everything around us benefits from this.
So, set a commitment with yourself to establish healthy boundaries against the backdrop of who you are and your daily life.
I hope it loosens the chains somewhat and, as always, I would love to hear how you go.
Bev Alderson
Bev Alderson is a Mindfulness, Yoga and Stress Management Consultant who works with individuals, groups and workplaces.
Having spent 18+ years in management in the IT industry, in both the UK and Australia, Bev learnt first-hand the impacts of a high-pressure environment and lifestyle and how, left unchecked, this can negatively impact performance and health.
Today, through her business Practically Balanced, Bev brings authenticity to the work she does, drawing upon her personal experiences, management capabilities and expertise in mindfulness, stress resilience, yoga and more.
Bev completed a Diploma in Yoga with the highly respected Qi Yoga School in Sydney in 2012 and with Sivananda in India in 2015. She also completed a Certificate in Stress Management with the London Centre for Coaching and Counselling in 2014, an ILM with the Stress Management Society in 2014 and a Diploma in Meditation with the British School of Meditation in 2016.
With many thanks to Bev for this blog. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.
nutrition@cytoplan.co.uk
01684 31009
Last updated on 1st May 2025 by cytoffice
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